Journal Entry, Monday, June 21, 2021
It’s already midway through the year. For those of us enduring long seasons of difficult health, our lives may became nothing more than a blur of mindless, boring chores and nondescript activity. We may struggle not falling into hopelessness and apathy. My violent facial and mouth spasms have yet to diminished despite rigorously adhering to my latest cleansing-detox protocol. My sleep has been disrupted for several nights having the need to use the toilet. And the past several days I’ve lain on my carpet for hours because of heart palpitations and severe weakness , (and staying near the bathroom because of severe stomach issues).
This blog is brought to you today in the hopes that my transparency and vulnerability will inspire and empathize with you precious guys and gals who I connect with on the the Facebook Christian Lyme Disease, Morgellon’s Disease, Dystonia, and Mold CRS and Mercury Poisoning groups. The daily reality of enduring excruciating, unrelenting pain and depression staggers my imagination as I read some of the posts. Sometimes someone posts that their beloved Facebook friend died from their condition or worse yet, committed suicide.
It breaks my heart to know that each and every one of them was created in God’s own image.. Many of you are young, between the ages of 25 and 45. As you unabashedly express your pain, I ask the Lord for the words that may assuage your suffering, even momentarily. After I leave my computer, many thoughts race through my mind.
Why do some suffer much more than others? Why are there so many catastrophic illnesses that destroy the persons destiny, health, marriage, finances and dreams? Why, for the most part, is the medical establishment unable to properly diagnose and/or treat disabling conditions like Lyme, Morgellons, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s , Dystonia, Metal-mercury poisoning? So many variables contribute to a chronic, disabling condition., yet getting relief from suffering is still a mystery.
Whenever I have a bad day, (and there are often too many lately) and I am crying out to God in agony and frustration, I say, “I cannot take one more day of this!” And Holy Spirit reminds me…
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power i made perfect in your weakness.”
I huff and I puff and when I feel better I remember the old days. (Weren’t they always better and memorable?) Yes, indeed, before I was hit with the TMJ Dystonia , (and the past year, a severe lung fungus,) I sang effortlessly and played guitar sometimes for four hours for a private event or restaurant gig. Lately, I gasp for breath unless I do warm-up breathing exercises to be able to sing for my pastor’s services and my conference calls. I have to ask for help just to sing, to get through the day and just about anything that requires physical endurance. God is faithful, though, always supplying what we need, when we need it! I’m most grateful when He gives me the strength to get out of my comfort zone and get my eyes off myself and encourage and love on someone else who is suffering more than I.
So how does one stay focused on the Lord and keep the dream alive? My book, Marching to the Beat of a Different Drum has been halted yet again for the fourth time, lol. . Organizing the different chapters is difficult, but my blogging-journaling and song lyric-writing continues to be a source of emotional stability. Intimacy and growth with Abba Father, Jesus and holy Spirit continue to draw me and I am thankful that They are always accessible to me unlike my music, where I have yet to find my niche.
Being unique in my multi-cultural heritage, and extremely unconventional in my musical artistry, ( I have yet to find a following who delights o hear my jazz and out-of-the-box guitar chordings, I continue to search for a music platform where different genres collide and merge. On the music, (and positive side of my life), I rejoined TAXI A&R music platform and have made some great connections. (I’d become disheartened and unmotivated and disconnected from other musicians since my beloved friend and music mentor-CEO, Kieith Mohr, closed shop on Christian music network, Indie Heaven). I was devastated for half a year because as a housebound, person, my internet relationships were the few joyful activities available to me at the time.
Last month, I re-evaluated my music path-momentum and decided it was time to regroup and move forward. I’ve pitched some songs to some interesting Taxi listings. I’ve had to encourage myself in God though, because the release last year, of my 6th album, Mod Prophet was not received as I’d expected. Its tracking began in 2007 and now the songs are outdated. So much for spending over 10 grand and working with outstanding musicians and the album going nowhere:( All I can hope for is to pitch to “vintage’ 90s rock. music listings and hope it gets placed with a film or music documentary.
One of the Taxi music forum members introduced us to a great website where artists can find producers or session musicians to collaborate with. An awesome R&B Gospel producer responded to my proposal to work on new songs, which i already have in preparation to record my third worship CCM album. I have been anxious to track my Psalm 91, which i wrote in 2009, (and which was received amazingly at a funeral service.. I will never forget that day. Mark told me that a prophetess who had a spiritual gift of seeing into the spiritual realm saw cherubim dancing around me as I sang and Played my Psalm 91!. God has blessed me with many divine musical experiences with the gift of worship.
So, you may say after reading this blog. What’s the purpose?
You are God’s creation. If God be for you, who can be against you?! Whatever your ailment or the devastation and disablement of your body…
Excuse me…between abrupt interruptions and runs to the bathroom. LOL…Nothing can separate you from God’s love. Not Lyme, Dytonia, Cancer, Fibromylgia, Morgellons Disease,.nor divorce, spouse or child’s death, poverty, homelessness, etc.
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom 8 38 &39
You need to memorize and declare this scripture each day or whenever you lose sight of your divine person hood and calling. Don’t say, “I don’t have a gift. I’m not talented in anything or I cannot do anything anymore because of my condition”. Those are lies from the enemy! You are fearfully and wonderfully made. The enemy may have thwarted your momentum, but take heart, ask Jesus for help, get up, and start running again! Your participation in the holy race of life is not a sprint it’s a marathon. You are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses and our spiritual foremothers and forefathers didn’t always receive their promise or prize while they were alive.. but they kept their eyes on the Prize, Jesus Christ our Redeemer and friend.
I ‘m a bit old and quite fragile physically to tour and stir up a music ruckus. My dream of being a successful and respected artists may never happen, but I’m at peace about giving my utmost to my artistry, nurturing my precious relationships and most of all, giving my best to the Lord. Beloved, may your priorities be ordered as is pleasing to our Heavenly Father, as Jesus did! Shalom and bless you.