Journal Entry: May 22, 2025
Note: to friends and family to receive a glimpse of where my heart lies presently.
So, as I begin my day I quiet myself to prepare for my Heavenly Father’s agenda. I liken my process of introspection as a mountain climber analyzes the steps needed to scale his target quest.
Since moving permanently to Georgia, I must honestly say, it has been quite a distressing chapter of my life. My lifestyle is so far from what I am used to living in beautiful and friendly, Browns Mills New Jersey. Each day is a struggle to focus on joy and expectancy. As a child of God, staying focused on Christ’s teachings should not be a burden. I find myself daily contending with an unruly spirit of complaining and dissatisfaction.
I understand completely what the apostle Paul was speaking about when he said that his flesh wanted to do the things he hated. but more than anything, he desired to do what was right. It can be difficult to vanquish such a powerful state, (the unconverted flesh) but God always gives us access to an escape. We can avert stumbling and sin by focusing on what Apostle Paul reminds us in his epistle to the Philippians 4 7&8. to think praiseworthy things.
My struggle involves the barrenness of Mark and my location here in very remote Southern Georgia, The landscape is barren, the trees and brush are dry and brittle and the summer weather is often brutally hot and humid. Since my three Covid 19 attacks, my lungs often constrict, making it hard to even sing or speak. It’s greatly distressing, being a Psalmist and singer-songwriter. Before the Covid 19 attacks, I remember being able to sing effortlessly for a four-hour private event. The past several years, I have to need an hour to do deep breathing exercises or else I gasp for air every three syllables. I have never imagined that my gift of singing would be so challenged. And praying especially makes my face, mouth, tongue, neck and upper body spasm violently. I have yet to find the cause nor the cure of what is causing these epileptic-type affliction. But I am finding that EMF and Coronal mass ejections from the sun could be a factor.
And so, I also deal with the next challenge of extreme isolation and loneliness. After living here on Liberty road, not one neighbor has stopped to introduce themselves or welcome them to the neighborhood. It is not really a neighborhood because the houses are spread out. I used to find great joy in getting on my scooter in the afternoon and scooting to the local post office to chat with the smiling mail clerk and postmaster. Lori. Mark and I also were friends with neighbors and I so delighted to see Mark in an animated conversation with any of them. Here in Georgia, day after day goes by with not a smiling face in sight. Living here and finding joy or beauty has been a daily struggle
The worse and ,most devastating trauma, though has been losing my beloved ministry cat, Pee Wee. Her death was bizarre and unexpected, as she was in perfect health before a sudden lung-neck condition took her out. She was a cross between a dog, baby and best friend and went everywhere with me. Her gaze at me was fathomless with adoration and she took well to her leash. As a kitten, taken to nursing homes to cheer the elderly, PeeWee allowed herself to be handled and petted. PeeWee was my constant loving companion and Shabbat afternoons were joyously spent lounging at our favorite small park enclave on Mirror Lake. She also loved to sit in her kitty knapsack, staring intently at the beautiful streets lining mirror lake as I walked. PeeWee also adored joining, Teenie, ( our Calico Tabby) Mark and I for canoe rides on the lake.
The day she passed was so shocking, watching her beautiful eyes dilating in death. I lay next to her on the floor, crying out. I still weep to this day, wondering why my Heavenly Father did not answer my pastor’s special prayers of healing for her. I cannot describe the bond PeeWee and I had and I fell as if a part of me died.
Death seems to invite himself too often into my friendships, I have to work very hard to stay positive nd productive despite finding out about hospitalizations and deaths. Just recently, a Face book guy contacted me, informing me that one of my former music partners, Bobby Goldie, died. Chris was a close friend. Chris shared via a Facebook message, that Bobby was working on a device and got electrocuted. A neighbor called the ambulance and Bobby was rescusitated, but later went into a coma. His life cord was pulled and off to eternity he went. I had shared Jesus with him a few times in the past and Bobby did not willingly accept the invitation to accept Jesus. I am heart-broken and wondering where he was.
Reckoning with all these stressful and mournful factors, I cling to Jesus and Holy Spirit because I know that though the pieces of my life disintegrate and/or break off, He is still the glue that is holding me together. Each time I have to address loss, isolation and physical almost-disabling health distresses, His grace is always sufficient to carry me through to the next day.
Each day, as I wake up, my flesh, (and mind) grumbles in resistance. ” Another lousy, boring day,” I hear in my mind. But my duty is to take captive the negative declarations and quiet myself into gratefulness that Father God has given me yet another day to live for Him. It really is not about me or my expectations or even my plans. In my beseeching Him for strength to do what is right and to be a conduit to others who are suffering, Holy Spirt reveals to me the Mystery of Christ which only pure and transparent hearts can see. I understand that I am called to brave the deep, deep waters of Christ. As Peter bravely entered the stormy sea waters and nearly drowned, he grasped Jesus hand…by faith! If any of us are to abide in such a glorious and deep relationship with Jesus Christ, the Lord, Savior and redeemer of the world, we must take a step into His deep waters.
After all, He is the river of life and only those who ask to understand the eternal signifegance of their lives will fathom His divine treasures. If you’d like to invite Jesus to be your Lord and Savior, please declare the following prayer from my pastors website. You can also email him to receive notices of his podcasts.
Salvation Prayer:
Heavenly Father, have mercy on me, a sinner. My life is empty and meaningless without you. i need you. I believe that Jesus Christ, your son, died on the cross for me that my sins may be forgiven and I can have eternal life. I believe that You raised Him from the dead. Please forgive me for every sin I have ever committed. Come into my heart as my personal Lord and Savior. I surrender my life to you and I ask You to take complete control of my life, from this moment on. I ask you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.
If any of my blogs or journal entries bring you to a place of searching and seeking Christ to a deeper level, I am grateful and have done my best to follow Father’s commands, to make disciples of all men. It has been an arduous undertaking for me, contending with so many difficult factors alone. I remind myself that I am not alone because Jesus promised He would send the comforter and the Counselor, the Holy Spirit. And He has been faithful.
If you have been called to be tried in His crucible, trust Him and seek him with all your heart. There are great and mighty things for you to do!