Anita Ivette Ferrer/Asbury Park Angel

Joy in the journey. I'd always hoped that the road would gently unwind before me as i struggled to ascend to higher heights, while being pushed backwards, by the continual and daunting symptoms of my many ailments. Just last week, as I was uploading my original songs and past gigs, to this website, i remembered the anguish and exhaustion of supporting myself by delivering telephone books during the day and most evenings, I would be performing at the Oakland House, a private event or a local tavern. My love for composing on the guitar and collaborating on original music with John DeGrazio and Kyle Hicks saved me from suicidal thoughts. God always made a way for me to get fund to produce and record my songs in the studio. I'll never forget crying out to God as I pushed a hand truck loaded with heavy telephone books, wondering why I wasn't touring with my band and respected. The staggering fatigue from the Lyme symptoms and my carbon monoxide poisoning episode made me feel inferior and cursed, The constant eking out a living wore down my spirits often and i wondered what my destiny was.

Angst, disappointment and regret, weighed me down often during my long Dystonia battle. but as I've finally come of age this late in my life, I acquiesce to the reality of Christ being my solid foundation. God's precepts have sheltered me from the sting of hatred, unforgiveness and retaliation. I know that His peace tempers me to have a grateful heart and make the most of every opportunity, however small. I cherish, Moses' Psalm 90:12.

Teach us to number our days that we may know wisdom.

No need to keep asking Father God..."why"

In the past, I often felt ,my creative and musical endeavors were not allowed to bear the fruit they deserved for whatever reason. i wanted to be successful fashion designer, best selling author, renowned poet or well-loved music icon. too often, my creations had to be postponed indefinitely because of constant interruptions of lie-threatening illnesses.. Worse yet, fewer and fewer invitations came as people became aware that the TMJ Dystonia symptoms were diminishing my . I noticed with great anxiety, that my vocal prowess and guitar skill was also strained. I'd expected that I'd get better with age, not worse.

And so,, I determined in my heart, I would push forward no matter how much it hurt. I could not quit because of what Christ did for me. He destined me to be a conqueror and i was to be a role model for precious girls and women whose lives were shattered by trauma. As I scan the horizon of my future, I'm assured that He will bring beauty out of the ashes. Behold, He arose and redeemed me!